UPCOMING EVENTS:

Summer time is usually a hopping time of many offerings. Excited to announce that 2 of them or ONLINE ONLY. So my friends from far away - join us won’tcha!?!
🔜 The Wisdom Within (An Online Offering)
🔜 The Nourishing Hour (An Online Offering)
🔜 Yoga For The Senses (In-Person at Blue Mtn. Lavender Farm)
🔜 Yoga In The Vines (In-Person at Dusted Valley

THE MUSING:

I try not to be an “expert” when I write about certain things. I am not an expert when it comes to depression. However having lived with it throughout my life, I have researched the hell out of it and while I may not be an expert on Depression … I would like to think I’ve become an expert on my personal depression. Even as I say that, it is ever changing, this thing called depression.

Most of my life I have thought it was “bad” to be depressed. That is was “wrong”. That I needed to “Fix it” or “Improve” myself. I had to learn how to “Control” myself so that I didn’t walk around sad, anxious, angry, or to have these dark feelings inside.

One of the things I wanted to show up for these past couple of years as I held both of my Beloved cats and my mom as they died of cancer; as I sat by the bedside of a Friend who died of liver cancer; as I tried to hold space for a Friend who had to undergo crazy intense cancer treatment; as my uncle committed suicide; as a Friend got a terminal illness diagnosis - and those are just the highlights…. what I wanted to show up for was this… I wanted to be present for the pain, for the loss, for the grief, for the anxiety, and for the anger - WITHOUT TRYING TO CHANGE IT.

You see, in past chapters of this life I would deny these feelings, shove them down, push them away - anything but actually invite them in and stay vulnerable enough to feel them as they asked to be felt.

My 2 favorite techniques were:
1) In my teens and 20s I LOVED to numb myself so I couldn’t feel it (or anything really). Cigarettes, drinking, drugs, food… anything that took away the discomfort. “If I just party enough, I won’t have to feel it, right?!?” “If I hang out with this crowd, they will help me feel like I belong and that will take away the pain, right?!?”
2) Busy-ness. “If I just keep myself really busy I won’t have to deal with it, right?!?” I often wore it under the guise of being productive so that I fit in and was thought of as an upstanding citizen, but it was mostly so that I didn’t have time to be sad. To be anxious. To be depressed. To be angry.

I didn’t want to feel those “negative” feelings. I didn’t want to be judged for having them. I usually felt like I would get so lost in them that I would never be able to come back into society and function like a “normal” human (as if these feelings and/or depression isn’t normal - HA!)

Fast forward many years and after MUCH showing up for my soul work: I no longer view these things to be true. As a matter of fact, I believe that the more we ignore, deny, or repress our feelings… the more likely we will move towards the “negative” emotions as well as physical illness. If we don’t allow the feelings to rise and move through us - they get lodged in our tissues and can lead to many many sensitivities from gluten intolerance to heart disease. Emotions are deeply connected to our physical body and pretending they don’t exist just buries them deeper into the tissues.

“Emotions are energy in motion.” I LOVE this saying. It reminds me that emotions are messages for us so as to be able to discern what we need and how we want to be in this life. If we listen to them and hold space for them they educate us and help us understand our inner language.

When I started down this path of loss I’ve experienced over the past 2 years (although I did not know it would be quite this extensive and full! Sheesh!!!) I did know that I had the tools to hold space for myself while going through it and/or could find the people to help me through it. While I can’t say I haven’t had times of getting extra busy (subconsciously on purpose) or distracting myself (ACOTR 2Xs anyone???) or numbing (binge eating), I can say that I did the best I could with what I had and that I really showed up for that deepest parts of myself and held them so softly and gently. I used the wings of mindfulness and compassion to sit with it all as much as I could when anger, sadness, frustration, anxiety, and grief would rise.

I have also been in a depression for the past two years. It was milder than some depressions I have known, but it was depression none-the-less. I know this because my tell tale sign is that I can’t get myself to do anything beyond what I need to do to survive. I set up and show up for work. I help Dad with selling Mom’s shit. I do the prefunctory things to be present in society, but not too present. I don’t even want to do the things I LOVE to do. I don’t want to write letters. I don’t want to garden. I don’t want to cook. I don’t want to go into nature. I don’t want to walk. I don’t want to get into the water. I don’t want to craft.

I will kick my ass to do some of this some of the time as I know I will feel lighter if I do, but it’s a serious chore to even get myself to do the things I love. Everything I usually love feels blasé and like a chore.

About a week ago, I got excited to cook a meal. Genuinely excited and bubbly about it. The past two weekends I got excited to go on Sunday hikes out in nature. I didn’t have to kick my own ass to get out and do it - I wanted to without any convincing. I was excited! I have been excited to meet with fellow teachers to organize and plan workshops on which we are collaborating. I’m invigorating. I feel enthusiastic.

After my hike last Sunday when talking to a Friend…. I started to cry as I told them that I was excited. Excitment in little bits and pieces is coming back for me. I hadn’t even completely realized how absent it was from my life and how much I missed it. This is also a sign that I am coming out of a 2 year depression. Yowzah!!!

This week when people have been asking me, “How are you?” I’ve been telling folks that I’m excited. That I’m excited to be excited! To have energy again and feel enthusiastic about things - without having to talk myself into it - is just magical. Truly magical!!!

Maybe I would have gotten here even if I had ignored/numbed/repressed/denied the pain/grief/anger, but I don’t think I would have. I don’t think I would be able to be so gentle and compassionate with myself. Or that I would have this deep well of knowing how truly fortunate I am. To be able to see that so much of what I used to get worked up over isn’t worth my time. To Know that I want to be present for it all.

So many spiritual teachers from all lineages talk about how we must know suffering in order to know joy. So many of the people whom I admire and who inspire me will speak of the fact that they are joyful because of the suffering they’ve experienced. It may sound cheesy (please remember that I was born and raised in Wisconsin!) but I am beginning to understand this in a somatic way. It’s something I can’t quite articulate, but it is VERY present in me.

I am quite certain that sadness, anxiety, and depression will always be a part of my life. But now that I have had the experience that I can get through it without getting pulled under and that I am “better for it” on the other side, I can’t not show up for this part of me in the future. I finally KNOW that being depressed isn’t something to fear or hide from. To ignore or hate. To change or get rid of. Depression is a part of me, just the same as happiness and joy. Although I can’t say it was easy to sit with “her”, she taught me sooooooo much and I will forever bow at the feet of that part of me. As I type that I remember that the translation of “Upanishad” is taken to mean ‘to approach someone and sit down next to them’ – such as a student approaching a Guru to learn the self knowledge. I was taught that the student sits at the teachers feet. I feel like that! Like I am a student who sat at the feet of this great teacher (Depression) and learned some incredible self knowledge.

As you probably know or guessed from reading the above - I wasn’t writing much nor did I have much outward moving energy the past couple of years. But I am hoping that this excitement continues as I come back to this amazing community who has supported me through so much.

If you are going through depression… you are not alone. Seek out help if you need it. 988 is the Suicide and crisis hotline and is a wonderful tool. What I didn’t mention above is that I got a LOT of help (both professional and friends). I gathered with a Grief Circle. I am back with my mental health therapist. I did yoga, somatic practices, and mindfulness practices every day. Find your tools My Loves. Don’t go it alone (even though reaching out and connection are so fucking hard when you are in the middle of depression. I know!!!!).

Okay Friends. I think I’ll end it there. I hope to write on a more regular basis with tips and tools and offerings.

Speaking of offerings… I am ending this Musing with a few offerings I have coming up. I’m pretty - you guessed it - EXCITED!!!!! LOL! Please note that some of them are ONLINE offerings. So all my Friends in LA and SF and MN - you can join me for some of this. And in addition to all of the “Events” I’m listing, there are of course 5 weekly classes that are still available both on Zoom and In-Person. Join us on the regular to build up your strength, resilience, and to develop stress management skills!!!

Sending you all Love & Light!

SweetPea Johnson

Excited To Be Excited