Emotional High Tide
I am currently in San Francisco and came here for a dear friend’s Celebration of Life, Lanny Dean Lighthill, Jr. Many of you heard about his very unexpected death at age 55. I’m still reeling with the pain of it all, but I am in this space of holding sooooooooooo much more than just that. I am able to not let that one emotion stagnate and hijack me (This has not been the case for much of my life.)
I am utterly gutted at losing him. He was one of those types of friends whom I called about the cool role I got, about getting married, about getting divorced, about my mom getting diagnosed. He’s one of those types of friends whom I call when I can barely get out of bed and I need a pep talk. He’s one of those types of friends whom I call and he talks me through that mistake I’ve been beating myself up for and helps me find compassion for myself. He’s one of those types of friends whom I call on a whim and just talk about any and everything. Contemplating the meaning of a particular thing and also this thing called Life. He has been a dear friend for 29 years and it’s hard to imagine my life without him in his physical body for me to call at all.
At the same time, I am with members of my chosen family (that’s what I call them) whom I adore and love to spend time with. How lucky am I to have these people near me, even if it is over a loss? Also, I have had a love affair with this City since the day I stepped foot here in August of 1996 to finish my schooling at SFSU. I have almost moved back here about 25 times over the past 25 years. I have been in awe of the ocean, Golden Gate Park, the Iyengar studio, Bija, just down the street from where I’ve been staying. Even though I am grieving - I am also to hold space for and experience profound joy at the same time.
The memories come back everytime I’m here. This time they are flavored with love and now deep sorrow. When I lived here Lanny Dean was a huge part of my life. We did so much together that every where I go, I think of him. And while part of me loves this as it keeps him alive, part of me is suffering.
Of course, the suffering comes whenever I leave the present moment and go to the memories of the past or as I anticipate the future of not having him in this physical plane. But in those moments when I can notice my body: feel my heart out of rhythm (literally), feel the tightness in my chest, my slumped shoulders, my uneven breathing… I practice coming back to the present moment. I like to hold my heart and whisper something like, “SweetPea, I care about your suffering.”. It all starts to become more manageable. I don’t get swept under by that riptide of an emotional high tide.
Wednesday was the Full Beaver Moon (and y’all know how much I LOVE observing the phases of the moon). Because I am in San Francisco, I had the opportunity of taking a short train ride to the Ocean (Pure Joy). I walked and sat beside her. It was gray and drizzly and perfect for what I needed for my healing story (Gut Wrenching Sorrow).
In Ayurveda it is said that the element of water protects the body. While there are many reasons for this, this is what I felt yesterday being in her presence, how she protects me - Water soothes me. Especially the Ocean. She holds space for me and allows the emotions to rise and most importantly to wash through me and over me as water does. She reminds me to let go. Somehow being in her presence, I can let go with more ease. Why? I don’t know that I have that answer, I just know that I can. I can cry in her presence so easily. You know - those cries that wipe you out, but you feel a little lighter and like somehow your emotional and mental bodies have been cleansed.
So for the rest of the week so far, I have been trying to call upon the element of water to allow her to guide me through these times of loss. What does that even mean Christel Joy?! Water flows. Every time a big emotion comes up, if I have the sense to notice what is happening - I try to pause and imagine that the emotion is a wave of the Ocean that is coming up on my shore and rather than trying to hold that wave in or getting caught in the undercurrent - I try to let it wash away. Try being the operative word. I always try to find some body of water when the emotions are big. (Even if it’s just a bathtub or a swimming pool.)
In addition to calling on Water, here are what I consider to be some practical steps to bring mindfulness and compassion on board when an emotional high tide comes in:
Step 1 - I try to pause, to recognize that an emotional high tide is coming in.
Step 2 - I don’t try to make it go away. I try to accept the reality that this emotion is here and has emotional intelligence/information. It is not wrong. I don’t need to suppress it or to fix it. I just need to allow it and hold space for it.
Step 3 - I try to be aware of the sensations in my body. Whether that’s a tight chest, irregular heart beat, hot tears - whatever I can get a felt sense for. I truly notice and name them without judging them or analyzing them.
Step 4 - I like touch (in research - human bodies in general do) so I put my hand(s) on my heart or my cheek. Maybe I hug myself. Something I might want someone else to do, I do to and for myself. Something that will feel soothing.
One of my favorite self-c0mpassion tools comes straight from Thich Nhat Hanh - I place a hand on my heart to hold it and I say something like, “SweetPea, I am so sorry for your suffering.” It changes depending on what I’m feeling and the day. Change the language to make it work for you.
Living The Question: Can we let the emotions move as they are wont to do? Can we let them rise up and move through us? Can we be present with them when they do? Can we learn to accept everything that rises as it is? (Without judgement - this one is hard for me personally - but I continue to practice and it gets easier with time)
All of these things are practices. The more we show up and do them, the stronger they become. And if we start practicing now, hopefully it will be attainable while we go through the crisis of life. I can’t tell you how glad I am that I have been practicing this stuff for years. I don’t even know how I would have gotten through all the loss I have suffered lately. Well, it woulda been with a hell of a lot more suffering - that’s fer sure!
So here is to practicing the tools that we can use to help us get through the challenging times. Here is to holding space for ourselves no matter what comes up. Here is to finding strength in our vulnerability.
I’m here to show you it’s possible and that there is another path. It’s not always easy, but it’s simple. Those of you who have followed my journey know that I come from a dis-regulated nervous system, anxious ridden, prone to depression, hyperactive, undiagnosed ADHD, recovering perfectionist background. Those things used to make it feel near impossible to exist, much less thrive in this human body. But all of that has shifted. Slowly. With time. With practice.
So if I can do it… I am 100% sure that you can to!
Love you LoveBugs,
SweetPea Johnson